Today I reached my personal best in running 5k.
It felt a bit easy and I felt euphoric. Or just happily satisfied when the watch alerted me about the finish of the distance.
I started to think about my 30s when I did the same – running as many times as possible. Yet, at that time I don’t remember feeling happy. On the contrary – I remember feeling upset and jealous.
I was comparing my time with others. My speed was not something that I was proud of. I wanted more and more. In the process, I forgot the “why” – the purpose why I was running. What was the point of putting on my running shoes? I am not sure I ever had a solid reason…
I remember the first time I started running on my own, meaning noone told me to do so, was because I wanted to buy running shoes. And what is the point of spending money on running shoes if I don’t run? So that is how it has started.
I wasn’t too patient with myself back then. The track I used was on Margaret Island – a place where most people living in the downtown go to do exercise, to run. I was comparing myself – they were fit and fast. At least this is what I thought. I never looked at the fact that I was a beginner and it took time to reach a certain level. I never gave myself the permission to go slower, I didn’t understand that by slowing down I could go further (not only in the distance…) . I never accepted where I was, I was trying to negate it, hide it. I felt shame for not being able to finish in the middle of the running group.
Now I feel different. I have a reason, a why for putting the running shoes on. This time the order was different – I decided to restart running and then bought the shoes.
While at the beginning of this new era, I wanted to be faster – the years of studies, experience, and immersing into the self-discovery world quickly kicked in. I don’t care anymore how slow I am, I don’t care if I can’t even run 1 km – I am celebrating and finding joy in what I can do.
I still have this mindset of competition when I step on the track. The competition though is with me this time, a new territory to explore, because yes, competing with myself can be harsh sometimes.
I am delighted that I started this new adventure with something that was not working the best for me in the past. I see a lot more now, how I can liberate myself in the act itself and especially see how far I have come.
No, not yet within my old running times… They are still behind what they used to be and I am more in love in the process than I used to be. For me, that is the treasure. That is the most important metric of my training.