Whenever I grab my pencil and notebook to write down my thoughts and ramblings, I immediately start overthinking and overcomplicating.
While the aim of picking up the pencil is simply to write down all the chaotic flow of thoughts in my mind at the moment, something steals my attention and focus from this simple act, from liberating myself from the ongoing oscillation of the same/similar ideas and make space for the new ones which want to enter.
And yes… As soon as I start writing, I start thinking about how to write in a shareable way, that people will like and praise. That will not only give insights and lightbulb moments but also will give a good read with sophisticated language usage.
Oh well, and that is when all the thoughts are gone. That is when the writing, the act itself happens, but not with the initial intention. Papers are filled, and the false satisfaction of “I have written something” arises, yet liberation doesn’t happen.
The words come from the brain. They come from expectations that I put on myself. I am the one not giving myself the freedom to do it just as it is, from the essence to see what would come up. I want to control the outcome already in the beginning, and not only the outcome but the road to it as well.
While I want to be original and show what is deep in me, all I do is cover it up with masks, expressions, and shiny objects and hide what I truly would love to show and share.
Solutions? Training. Practice. Awareness that I am creating a fake me, which is also me, just less original, more plastic, more creation of “what would the world want to read, get from me?” instead of “this is me in raw and this is what I can and I am willing to share”.
Are these two completely different? No. Though the first comes from external expectations, the latter comes from deeper within. And yes, sometimes these two can and with time will meet and walk together along the way.
This transformation doesn’t happen overnight. I am happy, though, that I see this in myself. I see the pattern that deviates my actions from my intentions in writing.
And I wonder… how much this is true for other parts of my life, in my other actions, not only in writing.
How much of my life is about meeting falsely created expectations?
